


Destiny With A Capital “D”

by nomical



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Fate & Destiny, Fluff and Angst, M/M, POV Arthur
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-17
Updated: 2014-05-17
Packaged: 2018-01-25 09:56:19
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,435
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1644614
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nomical/pseuds/nomical
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Albion has been united, the Golden Age is well underway, and everything Kilgharrah has spoken of has come to pass. But on one muggy summer evening, Arthur's doubts about destiny weigh particularly heavy on his mind.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Destiny With A Capital “D”

**Author's Note:**

> This fic comes from my own unease with the idea of destiny being the sole motivation for Merlin's actions. I use quite a few direct quotes from the show and one from Lord Hervey, an English courtier and political writer from the 18th century. The full citation for the line is in the end notes.
> 
> This particular rendition of the Arthurian legend characters belongs to Shine and the BBC. Sadly I make zero profit off this.

For once Camelot is at the mercy of something other than a magical plague or an invading army. The heat has lingered for nearly a fortnight; the front of muggy air heavy and invasive. Work has all but ground to a halt as lords and peasants alike seek out ways to combat the temperature. They're lucky they had a good spring that watered the crops and filled the streams sufficiently. Arthur doesn't want to think about rationing this early in the season; he has enough on his mind as is. All the windows in his chambers are open, the light provided by the full moon. The lazy buzz of insects winds its way up the tower, the only noise save for the creak of the bed and Merlin's gasps.

Merlin rocks back and forth on top of him and makes it look as natural as breathing. His head is thrown back and the moonbeams highlight the long expanse of his throat, beads of sweat dripping down from his hairline. Arthur wants to sit up and run his tongue along the salt trails, lick and suck his way up the planes of Merlin's body and taste every inch of him. Any other night he would. But tonight he is too consumed by his own demons to concentrate on anything other than letting Merlin take his pleasure.

Without warning, Merlin picks up the pace, hips snapping out an urgent rhythm. Arthur recognizes his cue and takes hold of Merlin's cock, stripping it with firm strokes. Merlin lets out a garbled noise and fucks himself harder, leaning down as far as he can without slipping off. He's close enough that Arthur can feel the heat radiating off his skin and smell sharp, herbal scent he has come to recognize as Merlin. Merlin opens his eyes and Arthur can see he's right on the tipping point; at the juncture between clarity and madness. His breath is coming in short pants and he licks his lips before speaking.

“Please, kiss me,” escapes as a moan and Arthur props himself up to bridge the distance between them. Arthur sucks gently on his lower lip and that's all it takes. Merlin's whole body shakes with his release and he grasps at Arthur, pulling him close in a needy embrace. Arthur gives himself permission to let go and he lets Merlin's desperate whines carry him over the edge he's been holding onto for the last ten minutes. He keeps his eyes open as Merlin finishes and watches the bright flash of gold beneath the lashes. Even on nights like this where his mind threatens to take him prisoner, he's fascinated by the way Merlin's whole body comes alive as he climaxes. He wonders if Merlin knows his eyes are at their brightest like this.

As Merlin comes down from his high, he keeps their mouths pressed together until he's sure it's over and he sinks back down into the mattress. Merlin pulls off with a slight wince before crashing next to him in a messy sprawl. As he settles, a slight breeze comes through the open window and hardens the spill on Arthur's stomach. Arthur nudges Merlin with his shoulder and receives a grunt for his troubles. With a few words muttered into Arthur's neck, the mess between them is gone. Merlin sighs happily and drags Arthur's arms around him, clearly ready to settle in for the night. Arthur lets himself be moulded without any resistance, his mind still on matters he's come to accept he'll never have peace on.

Unfortunately, Merlin has always been a clever bastard, despite his frequent playing at the fool. His head pops up and it takes him less than a second to discern something is wrong.

“Are you going to tell me or do I have to force it from you?”

“Force what?” asks Arthur, the picture of innocence.

Merlin is not fooled.

“The reason you look like a doomed man. I just gave you the best night of your life and frankly I'm insulted. You should be basking in the gentle afterglow of our love, not look like you've been sentenced to the pyre.”

“I'd hardly classify you wriggling around on top of me for half an hour the best night of my life,” Arthur snorts. He hopes he can distract Merlin with their usual brand of banter for long enough that Merlin will forget his line of questioning.

Merlin pulls a face. “I did a fare bit more than just wriggle around. Or have you already forgotten how my tongue felt on your cock?”

“That I will give you credit for. I always knew your mouth was good for something other than talking back. Now do us both a favour and shut it.” He makes to roll over but finds steady hands keeping a firm grip on his shoulder.

“Arthur,” Merlin rolls him gently onto his back. “Please tell me what's troubling you.”

There should be no reason why this night is any different. No reason for him to spill his greatest secret; the one that's haunted him for years. But as he looks into Merlin's eyes, every line of his body radiating concern, he's tired of resisting. Tired of the gnawing fear that everything in his life is a lie. Outside, the insects hum and a bird cries far off in the distance. It's with this as background music that Arthur lays his soul bare.

“Were I not king, would you still love me the same?”

This clearly is not what Merlin was expecting and he blinks a little as he starts to scowl.

“What?”

“You heard what I said.”

“Yes, I did. I'm just trying to fathom out why the hell you're asking stupid questions.”

“So my concerns are stupid?” Arthur snaps.

“They are when they're unwarranted,” Merlin retorts just as fiercely.

“It's a simple question Merlin: do you love me for my title?”

“Do you love me for my magic?”

They glare at each other for a moment before Merlin huffs and softens his features.

“What's brought this on suddenly?”

“This is not a…new development,” Arthur concedes. “It has pressed on me since you told me of your magic and our shared destiny.”

“Arthur, that was years ago.”

Arthur stares at the canopy, resolutely not meeting Merlin's eyes.

“Oh Arthur,” Merlin breathes. It's far too tender and Arthur is preparing any number of things to say to end the damn conversation when Merlin starts tugging at his shoulders. Arthur resists, going limp in Merlin's hold but Merlin persists.

“Oh no you don't,” he grumbles, pulling the thin sheet off them both. “You are not going back to stewing in silence, we are having this out right now.” He continues to poke and prod Arthur into place until he's sitting up and leaning against the headrest.

As Merlin settles in across from him, Arthur pulls a pillow over his lap, acutely aware of his vulnerable state.

“Really? You're choosing now to be bashful?” Merlin raises an eyebrow.

“If I'm being forced into this conversation, you can be damn sure I'm not having it naked,” Arthur growls.

Merlin's lips quirk and with a flash of his eyes, they're both in the nightwear.

“Now, can we please behave like adults and discuss the matter at hand?”

Arthur fiddles with the pillow tassels before drawing a breath. “Years ago, you told me what Kilgharrah had said when you first arrived in Camelot; all that talk of destinies and halves of wholes. Now that our destiny is fulfilled it makes me question whether you could have loved me without it.” He looks up to see Merlin staring at him intently.

“What do you mean?”

“One of the first things he said to you was that none of us can choose our destiny. And none of us can escape it. Sometimes I wonder if you ever had the urge to fight it and run away.”

“Well certainly in the early days,” Merlin laughs, “back when you were an insufferable prat who threw knives at servants for fun.”

“But what if I had been just another knight in the army. You never would have given me a second thought after our first meeting.”

“Possibly. But you also wouldn't have been that much of an entitled prat if you hadn't of been a prince.”

“You can't know that for certain.”

“Nor can you,” Merlin shoots back.

“Fine. What if I was exactly the same as I am now but without the destiny? What if I was that same fool who treated his inferiors like dirt and bullied people for fun? What would you have done then?”

“I still would have saved you from that dagger,” Merlin whispers.

Arthur's eyes go wide as he realises his mistake and he grabs at Merlin's hand. “I know you would have Merlin because you're a good person. But what of after? How long would you have stayed my servant? Or would you have accepted the job at all?”

“I didn't have a destiny with Gwen,” Merlin replies softly. “Nor with Morgana, or Lancelot, or Gwaine. I don't share a destiny with any of them but I'm still friends with them, aren't I? Do you think me so callous that destiny is all I care about?”

“Never,” he rubs the back of Merlin's hand gently. “But I wonder if it is the reason you stayed all these years. Just a burden you tricked yourself into accepting because of some far off hope for the future.”

“Arthur, we had known each other all but a month before you nearly got yourself killed trying to get that damn flower-”

“Which I only had to retrieve because you'd gone and drunk poison for me.”

“Because I didn't want to see you die!” Merlin is yelling now, the colour on his cheeks brought on by more than the weather. “I'd of done the same for any of my friends, destiny be damned. The important part is that I didn't need to know you past my first week in the city to realise you were a man worth saving. Under all your pomp and bluster, you were a good person who cared about his people more than he cared about himself. Think about all the times you sacrificed yourself to save me. You didn't know about our destiny but your actions were the same as mine.”

“I couldn't just let some servant die for me,” Arthur grumbles. “Imagine how it would have looked to the people.”

“Of course,” Merlin nods sagely for a moment before a grin takes over. “Does this help ease your troubled mind?” He pushes a hand through Arthur's hair and Arthur sighs at the touch.

“You told me some time ago that destinies are troublesome things; that they make you feel trapped, like you've got no control over anything and sometimes you don't even know if what destiny has decided is really the best thing at all. I could never forgive myself for crushing you under its burden.”

“Arthur,” Merlin cards through his hair gently, “it was always my choice. A dragon in a cave told me I had a destiny. I was the one who chose to act on it.”

“What about _the half cannot truly hate that which makes it whole_?”

“That dragon has a lot to answer for,” Merlin chuckles.

“If you feel trapped in any way-”

“Arthur,” Merlin stops stroking and takes his head in both hands. “Everybody has some madness in their composition, and I freely acknowledge you are mine. You are my whole heart and I would love you in any lifetime, with or without a destiny.”

Arthur's heart swells at the words but even more so at Merlin's frustrated expression, as if Arthur is a simpleton for not grasping the truth. He leans forward and captures Merlin's mouth in an urgent kiss. Merlin's huff turns into a snigger as Arthur pulls him closer until he's straddling his lap again.

“Would you love me even if I was a farmer?” asks Arthur, breaking the kiss.

“What is it with you and farming?” Merlin laughs and the sound warms Arthur to his core. “Some men are born to plough fields, some live to be great physicians, others to be great kings. I would love you if you were a farmer, a physician, or anything in between. You could come home every day with dirt behind your ears and no concept of destiny and I would love you all the same.”

“Dirt behind my ears? I think not. I might be a farmer but I'm not a bumpkin. I like to think I'd have the same values and standards of cleanliness,” Arthur laughs.

“You're right,” says Merlin, oddly serious. “You would have the same values, no matter who you were born as. You would still believe in the fight for honour, justice, freedom, and all that's good. You would still lay down your life for all and sundry if it saved one innocent life.”

“And I would still love you until my dying breath,” Arthur says softly.

This time it's Merlin that starts the kiss. Arthur tries to pour all his adoration into it; feels like he needs to convey everything with a simple press of his lips. Though he knows he'll never succeed in telling Merlin just how much he means to him, he can feel Merlin pressing back with just as much emotion. They cling to each other for what feels like ages, and just as Arthur feels a stirring in his groin Merlin pulls away.

“This is enough nonsense for one night,” Merlin rests their foreheads together. “I refuse to entertain your melancholy any longer. Morgana will be back with the delegation from the east tomorrow and it's in everyone's best interest for the king and his court sorcerer to be well rested.”

Merlin rolls off Arthur and pulls him down into the bed. It's too hot to lie together comfortably, but Arthur cares little for something as minor as a heat wave when it's stopping him from pressing his face to Merlin's neck and wrapping his arms around his midriff. Merlin grumbles but allows Arthur to force his way into his space until the sweat on their prevents them from breaking apart. As Arthur settles, Merlin presses a single kiss to his forehead.

“I've never regretted it Arthur. Not a day. And I hope you feel the same.”

Arthur responds by squeezing tighter. Merlin chuckles low and deep in his throat as his breathing slows and his body prepares for sleep. Outside, the rain begins to fall.

**Author's Note:**

> The line I borrowed from Lord Hervey was written in a love letter to Stephen Fox on September 25th, 1730. The direct quote is, “Every Body has some Madness in their Composition, & I freely acknowledge you are mine,” which I became aware of through the work of LGBTQ historian Rictor Norton. Hervey was a fascinating figure, whose traits his contemporaries dubbed as “effeminate” made him a subject for political satire. Despite being married, he had frequent and passionate love affairs with men and women, including but not limited to: Francesco Algarotti, Stephen Fox, Lady Mary Wortley Montagu, and Princess Caroline of Great Britain. His affair with Fox is the most publicized, given the sheer volume of letters produced between the two. His work forced him to travel frequently, and he took Fox with him as a travelling companion but he always returned home for the birth of his children. He even helped Fox secure a property close to his so that they would never be far apart and Lady Hervey and Fox remained close friends after Lord Hervey's death. I'll cut this short before it turns into the essay I wrote for grad school, but Hervey was a really cool character who was bisexual before the term had even been coined (interesting side note: homosexuality was not formally defined until the Enlightenment). You can read a short summary on Lord Hervey [here](http://rictornorton.co.uk/hervey.htm) but I strongly recommend reading one of Norton's books. The Enlightenment is a fascinating time for many reasons, but I would argue this is one of the most important periods for understanding the history of sexuality. [Rictor Norton](http://rictornorton.co.uk/) is basically the go-to historian on the topic and through his work you can find other authors who interest you.


End file.
